You

As I'm writing this message to all my readers, I just want to thank you for all the time you wasted on my blog. My words may not be as beautiful as others writer but I always write with all my heart. One day after everything finally settles down on your case, words that I ever said here will fade away and no one will ever remember me anymore but I am still thankful for the short time of being remembered by some of you. Some words were put on books and stay in the museum  for decades and some will just fade away as the seasons change. And I really hope that my words will be remember by some of you. We all crave for attention and affection while all I crave for is to be remember. I must say I am very grateful to know that there's actually people spending time reading my blog. It is just so unbelievable! Thank you my dearest friends. After all of this finally end and no matter how far I go, I want you to know that I will never regret writing for all of you.

Thank you.

Where did you go?

I'm sorry for always smells like cigarettes and laugh a little bit too loud. I didn't meant to stuttered every time you lullaby me with beautiful words. I'm sorry for not spending enough time with you when I had the chance. I'm sorry for cursing a lot when I'm with you. I'm sorry for not taking things serious even when you insist me too. I'm sorry for not missing you just like how you missed me. For not saying sweet words to you just like how you always said to me. I'm sorry for not understanding your love. I'm sorry for crying over the smallest thing in this world and blame it all on you. I'm sorry for not needing you like how you needed me. I'm sorry for not grooming myself every time we met. I'm sorry for not being a good girlfriend too. But even for all of the mistakes I've done to you, you never left my side.

On the night of my birthday, I waited in my new white dress for you to come but you never did. You said you would but you didn't. Why my love, have you getting tired of me? Is all my flaw cuts you just like how they cut me? I'm sorry. For the first time that night I groomed myself for someone but ended up disappointed. You left. They told me that you're going to be gone for awhile and you'll comeback once everything settles down. They lied. You didn't comeback and I'm positive that you never will. 

Today I woke up with tears streaming down my face. Bids of sweats falling damping my fringe. My breath were uneven, my eyes were blurred by tears and my body was shaking. Why is this happening to me? Please stop it. I can't take it anymore. To see him walking away from me, leaving me all by myself in the middle of no where. 

Maybe I deserve all of these.

Out of our reach.

Don't try to fix me, I like being broken. I love the pain and sorrow I'm getting. The wasted tears and blood aren't for nothing. They symbolic my war. I've been through lots of battles with life and love. I've suffer from tons of heartbreaks. I've tasted the pain of losing someone you love the most. And most of all, I've bleed from all the sharp blades of insecurities and sorrows throughout my years of breathing. I've experienced the feeling of horror and panic of knowing that you might not get to wake up tomorrow. My journey haven't end yet. So don't try to fix me because you'll end up being broken just like me or maybe worst and I don't want to risk that. Because fixing someone is not like fixing a toy, it takes time and energy. When you want to fix someone, you need to get yourself broken just to help them be fixed. Do you willing to risk all of that? You can't fix someone who don't want to be fix. Some battles are meant to be fight alone.

And I am strong enough to fight my battles alone. 

I will never regret

Do you ever fall in love so deeply that every time you look at his face, you see happiness and you just can't help it to fall all over again without any second thought.

Struggling

I saw his face every time I fall asleep and it is so frustrating. He is just too close yet too far for me to reach. Every night I witnessed tears streaming down his rosy cheeks, feeling scared if he might not get the chance to wake up anymore. He's my life. It hurts me when every time I close my eyes, I see him drifting away from me and I feel so lost and confused. It's like apart of me just died and I can't seem to hold him close just like how he did. And it is just devastating. The waves were just too strong for me. Stronger than my heart. I can't lose him but I am losing him right now. 

Sometimes we asked ourselves whether things going to be find if we keeps on trying. But don't you ever feel tired of trying? 'Cause I am. I'm tired of trying things that I know I can't make it, so why even try. But imagine whats going to happen if you give up. You'll fall hard on your ass. The aftermath is never fun because regrets will always haunt you back down no matter how hard you try to push it away. Don't you see it? It's over. You can't change thing that have been done. It's just too late. Wake up and deal with it. I have struggles through pain and sorrow and thinking on how can it be okay when the truth is it will never be okay. He's gone, how can I not see that?

Where am I heading to?

I may not have a good journey to tell you about, but I know that if I keeps on running, I might find the light I'm searching for.

I'm not lost, but I also not sure where the hell I am at right now. Maybe I should just continue walking or maybe I should just stop. Don't you find it frustrating when you have no idea where you're heading to? It's like cycling a broken bicycle. Pointless and waste of energy.

I don't do 'Hello'

Thank you for wasting your time reading my pointless bullshits. It's going to be just me and my fucked up feelings.